My Hey Jane abortion experience: The career-focused 30-something who thought she couldn’t get pregnant

Evelyn began her career as a video game developer (and self-proclaimed professional nerd who’s logged over 5,000 hours in Skyrim alone), before moving on to food and hospitality management in a big city. She’s recently embarked on the next stage of her career as a zero-waste sustainability consultant. Despite being happy and stable with her boyfriend, a baby is not on Evelyn’s current vision board.

Evelyn chose to have a medication abortion with Hey Jane—this is her story.

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I truly thought it would take an act of God to become pregnant at my age

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I went to a fertility clinic a couple of years ago, and the provider all but told me I was “drying up.” At my most recent visit, my gynecologist helpfully let me know that since I’m pushing 40, I should consider if having kids is something I want, because it would already be difficult. I knew multiple women who had been desperately trying for a baby through IVF and other means since they were 30 or younger. All of this is to say, at my age, I truly thought it would take an act of God to become pregnant. I never expected it to happen accidentally. 

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He lives with me, and marriage is in the plans for the near future. We're responsible adults, we use protection, but we also like to play around. And why not, when the chances of getting pregnant seemed so vanishingly small?

Mistakes were made. 

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The idea that I could do this myself at home was everything

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When I realized I was pregnant, I was furious and scared, but mostly just overwhelmed. Unlike many others, I’m incredibly fortunate enough to live in a solidly pro-choice state, quite literally within walking distance of  an abortion clinic. Obtaining abortion care wasn’t going to be a problem, but it was going to take work. 

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While I was worriedly considering next steps, my boyfriend got to Googling and found Hey Jane. When he told me about it, I thought, this sounds so much better than having to schedule multiple appointments and go in for a procedure at a doctor’s office. And much more affordable.

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But what was most appealing about Hey Jane was that this was something I could do right now–mid panic–I could take steps to take care of this. Things were in motion. The fact that I could take action immediately was such a relief.

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And the idea that I could do this privately in the comfort of my own home, with my cat, my teddy bear, and my cup of cocoa, was everything. Way better than having to go through an in-person medical procedure. 

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“What was most appealing about Hey Jane was that this was something I could do right now–mid panic–I could take steps to take care of this” -Evelyn, Hey Jane patient 

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The abortion process was pretty much exactly as the Hey Jane staff described it

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I took my medication at home starting on a Friday, so I would have the whole weekend to recover. Knowing his role would be to wait on me hand and foot, my boyfriend took the day off work, and together we prepared to make me as comfortable as possible -- hot water bottle at the ready, a good show queued on Netflix, and (several plates of) soup dumplings from my favorite place in town.

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The physical discomfort wasn’t pleasant, but not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. It was pretty much exactly as the Hey Jane staff described it, like the heaviest period I’ve ever had. I did get nauseous, but the nausea pills included in my kit from Hey Jane helped so much. I loved how Hey Jane thought of everything someone might need in the kit, from the pain and nausea meds they included at no extra charge, to heating pads, condoms, birth control pills, and other thoughtful items I could add on. I felt their empathy through the kit, but for some reason it was the heating pad that really stuck out to me; it was like, these people get it. This organization is managed by people who have a uterus, who have had abortions, who know what it’s like to experience cramps and bleeding and all the other worries that come with managing a woman’s reproductive health. I genuinely felt so supported and cared for.

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My biggest anxiety was that the abortion medication wouldn’t work, and that if it didn’t, there wouldn’t be any time left to take care of the situation. The clock was ticking after all. But I was able to get on a call with a Hey Jane provider who reassured me that once the first medication was taken, one way or another I would NOT be having a baby. We also discussed next steps if everything didn’t go smoothly, and I felt pretty ready to go after that. It was just another way in which, throughout all my interactions with Hey Jane staff, I felt completely supported every step of the way. And while I didn’t have any reservations myself about having an abortion, I was fiercely proud of the continual reassurances they offered their clients: this is normal, and it’s okay to feel however you want to feel. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

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“I felt completely supported every step of the way…I was fiercely proud of the continual reassurances they offered their clients: this is normal, and it’s okay to feel however you want to feel. This is nothing to be ashamed of.” -Evelyn, Hey Jane patient

Abortion doesn't have to be this hush-hush thing

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She doesn’t like to talk about it, but I know my own mom has had two abortions, one of them right after Roe v. Wade was originally passed. I think there was a generational divide in the way we felt about it–I feel very lighthearted about my experience and I’m able to make jokes, and she did NOT appreciate that. She said I needed to speak with more respect. And I was just like… no. Absolutely not. This is my abortion.  It’s happening to me. And I get to think, feel, and talk -- or joke! -- about it however I want. I’m not going to diminish myself, or be smaller or quieter about my feelings, or pretend I’m conflicted just because I “should” be. This is mine. 

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Well, I say that, but it sure does feel like I’m not allowed to talk openly about it. All around me, family, friends, and coworkers discuss their struggles and experiences with fertility, pregnancy, health scares, and other major events. Other people are posting about their experiences on social media and getting support from their loved ones. Me? Heaven forbid I open up THAT can of worms. The scandal! The shame! The moral grandstanding! But I want to talk about my abortion. Why should it be this hush-hush thing? Why should it even be a big deal, some guilt-laden, agonizing choice? My abortion was not something I had to grieve or cry about. Mostly it was an unpleasant inconvenience, a health scare to be dealt with and shared with close friends over cocktails and a collective sigh of relief. And that’s okay.

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Everyone is different. It’s totally normal and okay to feel morally conflicted about your abortion. But it’s also okay not to be! Abortion is so magnified in the public consciousness, I think it becomes easy to forget that each one is unique, and the only people whose feelings matter are the one or two people directly impacted by it. It’s okay to treat it like a nothing-burger if that’s how you feel about it.

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I know it sounds strange, but I’m proud to have had an abortion. I had the chance to stand up for myself and say, this is not what I want for my life, and I can do something about it! I did this for myself, and I’m proud of that. I want to shout it from the rooftops.

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This would have been an entirely different experience if I had to schedule appointments and go to the doctor. I was able to treat this as a nothing-burger, and Hey Jane is a big part of why. I was taken care of from start to finish, and now it’s done. 

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“I’m proud to have had an abortion. I had the chance to stand up for myself and say, this is not what I want for my life, and I can do something about it!” - Evelyn, Hey Jane patient

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Note: Some of Evelyn’s personal details have been adjusted to protect her privacy. Her experience with Hey Jane has not been altered.