How to support a loved one having an abortion

When someone close to you decides to have an abortion, it may be your instinct to spring into action—make calls, schedule appointments, and offer advice. While there are certainly cases where that support is welcome and appreciated, pause and take a deep breath. Every abortion experience is different, and every person having an abortion has different physical and emotional needs. 

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Here’s how you can support a loved one having an abortion in a way that addresses their needs, validates their unique experience, and makes them feel seen and understood.

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1. Help with logistics

Offering practical support can lighten the load for your loved one, helping them focus on whatever it is they need most. From research and transportation to creating a comforting environment, here are ways you can make their path a little smoother.

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Take the research off their plate

In the event of an unplanned pregnancy, your loved one may have a lot of questions—where is the nearest abortion clinic? Am I eligible for telehealth abortion care? What does medication abortion entail? How will I pay for my abortion? For those who live in states with highly restrictive abortion laws or bans, research gets even more complicated. 

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Show your support by offering to do the work. If your loved one agrees to accept your help with research, put together a list of resources and information to ease their mental load and free up their time to prioritize their own needs. If doing the research themselves gives your loved one a sense of control over their circumstances, let them know you're a call or text away to support when needed. 

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Help with travel arrangements

If your loved one chooses to have an in-person abortion, they may need transportation to and from their appointments. If you have a car, offer to pick them up and take them to any related appointments—it’s one less thing they have to worry about. If you don’t have a car, you can help by arranging a rideshare service to and from appointments. If public transportation is the best option available to your loved one, offer to join them on the route to lend support.

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If your loved one needs to travel out of state for an abortion, help with the logistics can be invaluable. Start by offering to assist with researching transportation options, whether that means driving them yourself, arranging a flight, or booking bus or train tickets. Map out the best route, factoring in travel time and any necessary stops along the way. You might also need overnight accommodations; identify nearby hotels, short-term rentals, or friends and family in the area who are willing to host you. Check out our guide to traveling for an abortion for more tips.

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Remember that abortion funds don’t just help cover the procedure—they can help with the cost of travel and accommodations, too. Learn more about Hey Jane’s abortion fund partners here.

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Create a comfortable space

During a medication abortion, you take your medication—mifepristone and misoprostol—at home (or a comfortable, private space of your choosing). Preparing the space can make a huge difference in the comfort of the experience. If your loved one is taking their medication at home, offer to help them prepare their space. Make sure they’re stocked up on essentials like snacks, herbal tea, a heating pad, and comfortable pillows. If you're able, you can offer your own space and ensure it’s fully equipped for comfort and rest, taking the task of readying their space off of your loved one’s plate so they can focus on themselves.

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Be on-call

Your loved one may experience heavy cramping and bleeding for days during and after their medication abortion. That means they may not be in the best shape to drive around town. Let them know you’re available to pick up extra pads, grab their favorite snacks, or make a pharmacy run. 

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If your loved one has children, offering to babysit, take them to school or activities, or prepare meals in advance can help them rest and take care of themselves during and after treatment.

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In the event of an emergency, keep your phone on loud so you can be prepared to drive them to a medical facility, if needed. A medication abortion is extremely safe, but your loved one will likely feel better knowing that if they need additional help, support is just a call or text away.

2. Offer emotional support

Being emotionally supportive during an abortion means offering a steady, nonjudgmental presence in whatever way your loved one needs (and not making assumptions about what those emotional needs are). Here’s how you can provide compassionate emotional support as they navigate their abortion.

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Lend an ear

If your loved one wants to talk about their abortion, give them the space to do so without judgment. Allow them to express their feelings, concerns, or relief without jumping in with opinions or advice (unless specifically requested). Sometimes, simply listening and offering validation can be the most powerful support.

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Be physically present

Not everyone wants to talk through their experience—some people just want companionship. If your loved one prefers to park themselves on the couch and binge a reality series or read a good book, stay present and respect their need for nonverbal support. It’s just as valuable as conversation.

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Follow their lead 

There’s no right or wrong way to feel about an abortion. For some people, the choice to have an abortion is heavy. Your loved one might have grown up with messaging that told them having an abortion is wrong, or that only a “certain type” of person has an abortion. They may be grappling with religious trauma, stigma, and shame, on top of everything else. For others, an abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure to check off their to-do list. Some may even find humor in their situation—and that’s okay. 

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Whether your loved one is feeling reflective, relieved, or just ready to move on, do your best to match their energy, without making assumptions. Offer empathy and validation when needed, and don’t try to force an emotional conversation when it’s not needed (or wanted).

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How to support someone who’s had an abortion in the past

If someone discloses a past abortion to you, they likely don’t need a ride to their appointment or someone to drive to the store to pick up pads. So how can you be supportive of a loved one who’s had an abortion in the past?

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The best way to know what someone needs (in any kind of relationship) is to ask. After you’ve thanked your friend or family member for sharing their experience with you, ask them what they need! Do they need a quiet listening ear? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to validate their decision? A movie marathon and Chinese takeout? Help finding a therapist? Listen to what your loved one needs, and do your best to deliver (but not overstep).

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3. Respect your loved one’s privacy

Whether a loved one shares that they had an abortion last week or twenty years ago, that information is theirs to tell (or keep to themselves). As well as we may know someone, we don’t always know their motivation for keeping an abortion private. For some people who are in an unsafe relationship or who experience reproductive coercion, keeping their abortion private is a matter of safety. 

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If a loved one shares their abortion experience with you, respect their choice to confide in you by keeping it private, unless explicitly told otherwise. Thank your loved one for opening up and let them know you’re grateful for their trust in you.

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For some, abortion can be a challenging experience, both physically and emotionally. But having a friend, family member, or partner to support them can make all the difference. By offering to help with logistical planning, lending emotional support, and remembering that every abortion experience is different, you can ensure that those close to you feel seen, loved, and supported. Let your loved one lead the way, and show up in a way that centers their comfort, safety, and well-being. Whether you’re searching for a loved one or yourself, Hey Jane is here to for you every step of the way.